I Miss My Son
Sep 28, 2022 by Julia Van Huizen
Updated: Sep 23, 2023
Topics: Family & Parenting
I miss my son.
To clarify he’s hasn’t died or gone to camp.
No, he’s become a teenager.
People told me this day would come. Books, television, and social media told me this day would come. It’s a strange phenomenon—a kind of death—because I swear he was my baby just yesterday. But today he towers above me.
It literally felt like it happened overnight. One day he wanted me to tuck him into bed; the next he said he’d do it on his own.
I miss those bedtime moments… those times when I’d chat on his bed and tell him funny stories. I miss the bedtime prayers, the little backrubs. Now he’s up late, chatting with his friends online. It’s all about the friends.
But I get it. I remember.
I remember just wanting to be with my friends all the time and wanting my privacy. When I was young, I’d stretch the twirly phone cord as far as it could reach so my parent couldn’t hear me laughing and talking and sharing giggles with my best friends.
I used to be my son’s best friend when he was young. He literally told me that: “Mommy, you’re my BEST FRIEND!” Now, there are days that go by where we barely chat. Besides a “Good morning,” “Please make your bed,” and a “Good night”, it’s like we haven’t connected at all. I’ve tried to start some convos, but it often sounds like a sermon, and when I see his left eyebrow go up, I realized I’m in “Mom-mode,” not connection mode.
Like a stray dog, I take whatever scraps I can get: the morning snuggle on the couch when he puts his head on my shoulder. The moment of jesting at suppertime. The “Thanks mom for making supper and doing the dishes.”
But I yearn for the chats. The moments I can relay stories and hear his. And last night he let me have them.
He came to me in tears. He shared his frustrations. And he let me parent him. And my heart swelled.
My boy is not chatty. But that’s ok. I will look for moments of connection—however small they are. I will seek out opportunities to connect, no matter how tiny; and I will pray that whatever connection we get to have together will be enough to help him grow up into a man of integrity.
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